We were 19 and 20 when we had our New Millinium wedding and said "I do" We couldn't wait for forever to begin. The things we knew back then would amaze you. We knew all about protection: we took every precaution so we could to finish college and begin our careers before babies started showing up. Tobad there wasn't an accident. Waiting 12 years to have kids has allowed us to travel, see the world a bit and become a closer couple. So, maybe there wasn't an accidental childbirth, however we do have a strong bond between us. I can honestly say, Chris is my bestfriend. He's the first person I go to when I need a hug or to vent. We have had a lot of good times together and we have learned a lot from eachother. It seems natural to take the step to become parents. We both feel like a little something is missing from our lives. Well, maybe this feeling isn't a "missing" feeling, but more of a"needing something more".
As I write this, I am planning to attend a babyshower for a friend. I should have invested in Clear Blue back when my first girlfriend became pregnant. For the past year to a year and a half we have been trying to get pregnant...and as you can see our results show NEGATIVE. We have read a ton of books on how to do this. Studying makes perfect scores right? Somehow, we haven't learned. When we first started trying...we, um we... thought I could only get pregnant on day 14 like a typical textbook girl. I'll never for get when um, we, learned we could get pregnant on 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17,...... Good thing we read so many books. Being informed is key.
First, we study then the tested. I remember when we went in to be tested to see "what's wrong". Why do we call that "wrong"? The fertility clinic didn't find anything super "wrong" with us. They claim we just need time. A few months...and then they would like to do more intense testing and eventually artificial insemination, like a pig. Why does getting pregnant consist of picking, prying and probing? It's interesting in the sense that the medical experts pick us apart to see "what's going on" and then they leave us to piece ourselves back together, like we are a puzzle. How humiliating and degrading this process has become. Then of course, everyone wants to know the results of the tests. Well who wouldn't?
My mind can't wrap itself around NOT carrying a baby for 9 months. What do the little butterflies feel like or a baby's kick for the first time? It's hard to think about never going through birthing pains; seeing my baby for the first time. I'll never sit around the dinner table during girls night and discuss my deliveries, or compare my different pregnancies of carrying a boy versus a girl. I'll not understand what a true food craving is. Maybe that's a good thing. What about heartburn? I've never experienced it, maybe I'll never experience it. Swollen ankles wont be apart of my worries. I'll get to wear heels forever and never fear varicose veins. And it will always be swimsuit season. There is a little part of me that says.."what if I am pregnant and I don't know it yet". There is always a glimmer of a little hope that I wont squish out.
That being said, after 12 years of marriage, I can honestly say, we are ready to adopt.